What is it like to feel like a part of you missing? What does it feel like in your bones, your skin, the deepest part of who you are, when the one person who you thought fulfilled you is no longer a part of your life? And what if that decision to get them out of your life was a burden you carried every day? This is where I am at. Or shall I say…this is where I WAS.

I have a new found obsession with Henri Nouwen. Why have I waited 24 years to read his words? I had never even heard of this guy until April and now I’m literally trying to absorb everything he’s ever written. He’s THAT good.

In one of his books he has written a chapter called “Keep Moving Toward Full Incarnation”.  Now, you know words are good when you get chills as your eyes scan across the page, when you’re reading them and inside you’re thinking “YES! SOMEONE KNOWS HOW I FEEL!”, and when you’re thinking there is no way this strange author could possibly have seen into your soul, but that’s exactly how it feels. The words resonate with you. Words have the power to make us feel not as alone as we did before we read them. Does that make sense? Well, it does to me J

“Do not discount what you have already accomplished. You have made important steps toward the freedom you are searching for. You have decided to dedicate yourself completely to God, to make Jesus the center of your life, and to be fashioned into an instrument of God’s grace.”

Ok. How beautiful is that? Being fashioned into an instrument of God’s grace? We can actually do that?

I’m not sure I have ever wanted something more than this.

“You can look at your life as a large cone that becomes narrower the deeper you go. There are many doors in that cone that give you chances to leave the journey. But you have been closing these doors one after the other, making yourself go deeper and deeper into the center. You know that Jesus is waiting for you at the end, just as you know that He is guiding you as you move in that direction. Every time you close another door—be it the door of immediate satisfaction, the door of distracting entertainment, the door of busyness, the door of guilt and worry, or the door of self-rejection—you commit yourself to go deeper into your heart and thus deeper into the heart of God.”

And….chills.

Because this is exactly how I picture healing. This is how I picture the painful process of moving toward a God that is so good, while all the addictions of the people and pleasures of our life are on either side of us.

We have a choice. We can either keep walking towards being fashioned into an instrument of God’s grace, or we can shut a few doors and keep a few open. Because those doors are just too “impossible” to close. In our heads we think that God can’t possibly be asking us to close THAT door, right? Nah.

But oh wait. Joshua 24:19 says “He is a holy God; He is a jealous God”. And He is. He wants all of me. All of Sarah Kathryn Robey. He made me. I am HIS. And He has called me His masterpiece.

When artist’s create their masterpieces, they are not just any piece of art. Their masterpieces are their life’s work. What they pour all their time, effort, blood, sweat, tears, and love into. And He has called ME His MASTERPIECE?

So why wouldn’t I want to offer Him all my affections and attention?

I want my eyes on His face always.

“This is a movement toward full incarnation. It leads you to become what you already are—a child of God; it lets you embody more and more the truth of your being; it makes you claim the God within you. You are tempted to think that you are a nobody in the spiritual life and that your friends are far beyond you on the journey. But this is a mistake. You must trust the depth of God’s presence in you and live from there. This is the way to keep moving toward full incarnation.”

Becoming fully incarnate. Becoming fashioned into an instrument of His grace.

May God’s strength and peace be with me as I continue to walk down the hallway, closing the doors, and into His outstretched arms.

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